I am one of the friends participating in LINDA MARY MONTANO'S  7 HOUR  GLAND-ATHON WITH FRIENDS this Sunday. Linda Montano has been a formative influence in performance art since its inception. My assignment is to wear something dramatic and occupy the 4:30 – 5:30 time slot with my adrenalin contemplations. Since I know very little about adrenals, I felt ill-prepared for this assignment. As the day approaches, I have increasing opportunity to conduct research by observing my own adrenals and monitoring their effects. This is because my adrenals have been stuck in high gear mode, pumping me full of adrenal secretions as I nervously approach my debut as a performance artist.

Here is the gland-a-thon schedule

 
2:30-3:30 ovaries and testes

3:30-4:30 pancreas.

4:30-5:30 adrenals

5:30-6:30  thymus

6:30 - 7:30 thyroid

7:30 - 8:30 pineal

8:30 - 9:30 pituitary

My hour will be spent searching for a metaphor for our adrenals. This approach is intended to help us clarify our relationships with the first alert, last-resort guardian built into our physical organisms. I am bringing three possible metaphors for consideration. Since adrenals are small, round glands associated with the color yellow, I am proposing lemons, bug light bulbs, and tennis balls. Everyone in the audience will choose a metaphor to represent a personal adrenal moment and write letters to their adrenals explaining their choice. Readings and discussions follow.

Since my preparations now appear in written form, I’d like to share them with those who cannot be present at the performance. Please send me your metaphor and your story.

Invite you to recall a fabulous dangerous moment - some near-calamity experience where exclamation points are needed to convey their intensity.

It was my body’s responses to S.O.S. situations that comprised my initial thoughts about the adrenal system when Linda invited me to participate in this gland-a-thon. But when I decided to find out how this system works, I typed a-d-r-e-n-a-l on my computer, hit ‘search’, and what greeted me was repeated use of a metaphor that seemed totally alien to the surges and gusts and bursts of energy that I credit them for producing. Over and again the adrenals were compared to walnuts. What a lame metaphor. Walnuts are dense, tough, and light absorbing. It takes a hammer blow to get them to respond. Only under this extreme pressure do they yield their nourishing content. One thing I hope to achieve in the next fifty minutes is to invent a metaphor that accurately reflects this system.

When I continued my research, a second distressing issue became apparent. Most sites focused on doleful accounts of adrenal malfunctions. They dwelled on maladies and symptoms. It seemed we either had too much or too little – runaway secretions causing panic attacks or paltry trickles causing adrenal fatigue. They are associated with abdominal weight, decreased immunity, lack of concentration, irritability, disrupted sleep, and on and on. The writers bemoaned this troublesome and finicky piece of our anatomies, proclaiming that are overwhelmed by the task of managing our anxiety-ridden lives.

One site stated, “Dear Friends, Are you feeling helpless and worried? Plagued by sleepless nights? Overwhelmed with loathing and terror every time you look at CNN? Are you plagued with lack of sleep, a demanding boss, the threat of losing your job, financial pressures, personality conflicts, yo-yo dieting, relationship turmoil, death or illness of a loved one, skipping meals, reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs, digestive problems, over-exercise, illness or infection, unresolved emotional issues from our past or present and more. The result is adrenal glands that are constantly on high alert.”

These sites offered therapies, supplements, medications, stimulants, and sedatives to treat adrenal maladies.

I thought, if the adrenals so easily break down, we need to change metaphors. What could replace clunky walnuts? I propose, for your consideration, glass light bulbs. They are charged with energizing capabilities. They shine when they are turned on. They are fragile and not easily repaired.

But then I began by cataloging adrenal moments in my life. A theme quickly became apparent. It referred to the crucial role of my adrenal system in helping me survive.  So I turned off the computer and mused about my personal adrenal moments, and contemplated a useful metaphor for each. May I share four of them with you:

l. I was going down the cellar stairs with my brand new baby granddaughter in my arms when my heel got caught on a splintered tread and I completely lost my footing. Under ordinary circumstances, I would have put out my arms to break the fall. But some amazing force suspended that reflex. I not only held on to little Rachael, I managed to twist my body in the instant between tumbling and landing so that I fell on my back and she landed softly on to my chest.

2. I leaped into Lake Mendota early one spring morning – not thinking that the water had just thawed from a freeze that was so deep, people drove their cars across it as a convenient short-cut. My body’s 98.6 Fahrenheit plunged into 33.5 Fahrenheit waters. The  gasp reflex is triggered immediately. Drowning can before hypothermia has time to begin. Yet I can recall, to this day, the crystal clear realization that rushed into my mind as I hit the water. I envisioned two clear choices - I could relax into my fate or I could attempt to navigate the eight feet the fifteen feet that separated me from the dock. I deserve no credit for my survival. The will and stamina were not mine. I was rescued by the amazing powers of my adrenal system. In a flash it instructed each cell in my muscles, lungs, blood vessels, and sensory receptors exactly what was required to spare me a certain, watery death.

First two stories, evidence of our amazing adrenals to provide a surge of resilience, strength, stamina, and agility that exceed our body’s normal capacities. Most significantly, in each case they overrule my instincts. I did not drop my baby to break my fall. I did not gasp as I registered the shock.  In the first instance I don’t recall making any conscious decision. In the second, I do. In both cases I met my challenge. These are fabulous dangerous moments known popularly as adrenal rushes.

I went on a search for a metaphor for the heroic aspects of adrenal function, and would like to propose lemons. They squirt. Juice is tart and vitalizing. It adds zest and verve to any dish or drink. Lemons are energizing.

3. The Amtrak train pulled out of Philadelphia Station on its way to Washington DC , picked up speed, and began to rock from side to side in every widening arcs. Suitcases went flying. Seats dislodged from their anchors. Windows shattered. Then the entire car in which I was travelling leaped off the tracks, rolled over on its side, skidded a long distance, and came to a screeching halt. There was great commotion. Those of us who weren’t injured helped to evacuate the others. This entailed climbing through the window which was now above our heads. One by one we exited. Eventually there were several hundred of us assembled on the tracks beside the wreckage. I surveyed the scene. Although all the train riders shared the same experience, we were not exhibiting the same response. While everyone was distressed, only some people were hysterical – screaming uncontrollably and frantic. I noticed that all those in this hysteria mode were women. Then I noticed something very peculiar. The only women who were hysterical were those who were accompanied by a man.

In the context of this adrenal exploration, I believe this experience reveals another wondrous property of our adrenals.  They are not limited to gross functions like ‘on or ‘off’ or ‘all’ and ‘nothing’. I believe they have the remarkable capacity to monitor the particulars of each situation, and parcel out the exact intensity of response and type of response that is required to suit the uniqueness of a situation. Thus, the adrenals of each individual who experienced the train derailment  varied greatly. These brilliant little glands understood that hysteria endangers anyone who needs to be self-reliant. It permits hysteria when someone else is there to be watchful and make decisions – like the women’s male companions.

4.  believe the next little story elaborates on the range of adrenal functions far exceeds booster rocket power surges. This story belongs in the category of conjecture. I have shared its premise with several health professionals, and they simply say, “Interesting theory. Could be.” Please tell me what you think.

On several occasions I have been assaulted by men. Not once have I acted to defend myself by hitting, screaming, or kicking. Instead, I immediately sink into a tranquil state. Lassitude overwhelms me. I become limp and impassive. These surges of calm are as extreme and as surges of exhilaration. I have long been bewildered by this response to assailants.

A theory formed after I served on a grand jury. Three of the cases I heard shared a distressing formula – a woman was attacked, she resisted violently, and her attacker either injured or murdered her. I have come to believe that my mystifying calm spared me their tragic fate. The my guardians are my adrenals, super glands that have provided two protective strategies. They excite action, and they trigger calm. 

So I would like to propose two other candidates for metaphor. Fuzzy balls are resilient. When they get buffeted they immediately return to a state of equanimity. The sphere – ultimately balanced. All opposing forces are reconciled.

Let us pay tribute to adrenalin rushes and adrenalin hushes. May I propose that we acknowledge these glands as the source of our instants of brilliance, feats of endurance, bouts of strength, acts of courage, and the ability to be still when that optimizes survival. In all instances the adrenals propel us beyond our normal capabilities. For a few seconds we are Einstein and Hercules. Fear, timidity, and doubt are suspended. Arenas of ingenuity and storehouses of energy are released.

Let us celebrate this majestic realization that our bodies come equipped with these almighty protectors by remembering one amazing moment when your adrenal systems rescued you. Let us write a letter to our adrenals thanking them for a fabulous dangerous moment, assigning them a perfect metaphor.

Your letter – might be one of gratitude, chastise, appeal. Please include the narrative of an actual experience that explains your choice.

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